Board Thread:Critique and Advice/@comment-5940646-20170627142357

Hey all. If you've been on my profile page or the Jacob Flux page, you might have seen something called the "Rogue Founding." It's basically a story event I'm trying to work up to, but recently I worked out a couple things wrong about it all. To get some help, I'm just explain the event, while trying to avoid major spoilers.

Background
The story starts with Mondal Hagh, a sort of travelling doctor. However he is actually a servant of the Chaos gods, and has sacrificed his soul and many others for lost knowledge. With it he plans to create new chapters of space marines, all dedicated to Chaos. Arriving on the world of Nos, he finds it perfect for his plans; it is both secluded and a non-active Tomb World. Vanishing from public, he gathers dark allies, and begins his grandest work...

The Chapters
I understand that the knowledge of how to work gene-seed, and create new marines is closely guarded. To work round it, the chapters will either not be true Astartes, sharing superficial features, or will have a short life, doomed to die as their organs fail. That said, they will all be dangerous in the time they are alive.
 * War Bringers - Calling themselves the WAAAGH Briners, these ork/Astartes hybrids are terrify to behold. Comparable to the servants of the terrifying Beast from the 32nd Millennium, these monsters are clad in green armour, adapted for a more orky feel by the marines. They also create their own weapons, defying logic with their designs.
 * Chess Knaves - Largest of the chapters, the Chess Knaves are Tyranid hybrids. Controlled by a single hive-mind, these marines rank from power-armour clad abominations to a massive hive tyrant, who leads them as a chapter master. Other members include marines with leathery wings, and some with massive tumorous cannons growing from their bodies. Out of all the chapters, this one is most likely to break free from Mondal's control.
 * Silver Born - Created by Mondal's Dark Mechanicus ally 101, these silent warriors are covered by Necrodermis, and wield Gauss weapons taken from the Necron Tombs on Nos. Forming a moving wall of death, these constructs are immune to psykic powers and fear. They are only made to kill the living.
 * Dire Psykers - One of the two “Loyal” Rogue Chapters, this chapter has been implanted with Eldar DNA to enhance their psychic powers. This also gives them enhanced reflexes and speed, and the Eldar's pointy ears, but it means their emotions are much stronger than normal.
 * Lost Daughters - Originally named the “Dusk Handmaidens,” this “Loyal” Rogue Chapter was comprised of female warriors, gene-forged to be similar to the Astartes. Envisioned as courtesans by Mondal, they have come to understand their creator is a follower of the Dark Gods, and plan to kill him so they may be redeemed for their sinful existence.
 * Ruinous Sons - The very peak of Mondal's work, these marines wield the power of Greater Demons, calling upon the warp to aid them in battle. They are terrifying warriors, each with the power to decimate entire Guard Regiments, but their powers and bodies are unstable, meaning they could die at any time. Because of the difficulty in making them, Mondal has only been able to birth six of these monsters.

Other things
I originally planned the Founding to take place in the late 40th Millennium, but then I realised the Necrons and Tyranids would not be wide-spread by then, or even known of by the wider galaxy. I plan on bringing multiple chapters, assigning them a Rogue chapter to face, so it would make more sense to happen perhaps in the mid 41st Millennium.

Part of the event will be pulling other creators's chapter in, so it's a wiki-wide event. I plan to run a few "test" battles before the main event as well, just to see how it could work.

I would really like some feedback on all this, but keep in mind this even could be a long way off, I plans for stories before it. Please say what you and if you are interested! Bye now, and happy editing. 