Douchard Bagge

"I really wish I could help you scour the Ghoul Stars on the vaguest hint of an elaborate conspiracy Inquisitor Vir, but Inquisitor von Totenkinder already enlisted my services to investigate the pleasure world of Sybaris LXIX. You know how it goes: first come, first served."

- Douchard sidesteps a dangerous mission



Douchard Bagge is one of the most obnoxiously wealthy Rogue Traders to ply the space lanes of the galaxy. Among his better traits are his venality and snobbishness, though he is also avaricious as well; his covetousness is one of the few things that can rouse him from his lethargy. Despite his personality, he's resisted all the charms of Chaos because he considers every cultist he has ever seen to be "pants-on-head retarded", and has mistaken a number of attempts as come-ons which offend his homophobia.

The Bagge Dynasty made its incalculable fortune wringing out as much from the galaxy as their Warrant of Trade would allow, and then violating it as much as they could get away with. They've secured the existence of primitive xeno races to toil away in perpetual slavery, bombed Imperial settlements to access undiscovered or poorly exploited resources, and much more. As far as Douchard and his fellow Bagge's are concerned, everything in the galaxy either did, does, or will belong to them. Everyone else is considered to either be thieves or holding the Bagge's property in trust.

Background
"Get at my level."

- Douchard Bagge

The Bagge Dynasty
The Bagges are an incredibly powerful consortium, formed when six holders of different Warrants of Trade intermarried, and then made extensive use of nepotism to get their non-Rogue Trader relatives set up with various intra-Imperial trade interests. They were able to operate without notice for sometime, and used their momentum and the snail pace of the Imperium's oversight to get other relatives in positions within the Adeptus Arbites and the navy. This set the stage for their ultimate coup; creating a false identity that has proven to be fool proof and vital to facilitating their crimes: Inquisitor Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder of the Ordo Hereticus. Mord is an actual Inquisitor, but his blood relation to the Bagges has been thoroughly concealed through surgery, falsified records, and other means. Mord has been provided with all the life extension technology the Bagges can get, in order to perpetuate the ruse without having to repeat it.

The Bagge Dynasty has developed a presence in every Segmentum and has managed to secure a lot of business from irregular clientele by virtue of their extremely reliable supply lines and relative lack of bureaucracy compared to Imperial agencies such as the Departmento Munitorum. Some of their business practices include extensive, highly distributed warehousing and fleets of ships moving in real space that navigate around warp storms so as to minimize delays. They have other practices that other Rogue Traders are hard-pressed to match, such as their wide network of Xenos partners (including the occasional Kabal of The Skewering Feather war party using the Webway to drop off merchandise during a raid for the Bagge's to pick up.) and their plundered supply of Teleport Homers utilized on their primary routes. They also have a highly motivated work force: meritorious service is well rewarded, failure can lead to being sold to any number of aggressive Xeno species or being used for weapons testing.

D. Bagge
Douchard was born to Lord Hand and Lady Carta Bagge in their primary palace on the Bagge-homeworld of Barstar. His parent's theory of child-rearing involved giving Douchard everything he wanted other than an actual parent-child relationship, and sending him off to live with tutors for nine-tenths of the year. His handlers were instructed to beat a slave child in Douchard's presence anytime Douchard acted out or misbehaved as a method of discipline. Naturally, this healthy lifestyle led to Douchard being very well adjusted. Douchard learned the noble arts of swordplay, pistol marksmanship, and empathy suppression; along with a battery of disciplines intended to make him the ideal head of the vast Bagge Rogue Trading Dynasty. However, Douchard was one of only many Bagge-children and in order to secure his legacy (his Father's Warrant of Trade), he was compelled to assassinate or humiliate all his siblings, a feat he accomplished by the age of fifteen.

Upon reaching majority and completing his education, he was given a modest fleet (capable of performing Exterminatus in a pinch) and command of a single trade route. Applying advanced Bagge economic theories, Douchard reorganized the trade-route, enslaving every planet along the route and mercilessly plundering them for record profits. During the subsequent Inquisitorial investigation, when Douchard was questioned regarding his actions he said "Nah bro, that's doesn't sound like me."

He was able to redirect blame towards the Space Marine Chapter Sons of the Spiritual Liege, who were made to go on a penitent crusade.

His next Inquisitorial investigation came after he attempted to sell the Dark Angels on a new gland that would "Totally fix that gay gene problem." Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder was dispatched to determine if Bagge did indeed have some manner of new Astartes-compatible glands and if so, find out where they came from. Douchard discovered the investigation and to their mutual surprise, successfully bought the Inquisitor who later reported that everything was just a big misunderstanding.

Companies

 * Bagge Arms Inc.
 * Bagge Annihilation Solutions (A wholly owned subsidiary of Bagge Arms Inc.)
 * I Can't Believe It's Not Exterminatus!
 * Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support
 * Bagge Comitatus (Part of the Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support Family of Companies!)
 * Bagge Fortress Supply Unlimited (Part of the Bagge Battlespace Logistic Support Family of Companies!)
 * Bagge Aufwendige Todesfalle und Folter Ausrüstung GhmB
 * Bagge Publishing (Latest Publication: Commissar Ripper's Epsilon Platoon, Vol. DCCCXC: Escape From The Blood Ocean And The Sharknado Apocalypse)
 * Bagge Agritech
 * Monolith Burger

Personality & Motivations
"Hey nice job, ten thousand years of syphilis and armored, sopping man-teats. You did not let our ancient monkey fore-bearers down, no sir."

- Douchard just before he introduces a Plague Marine's face to superheated plasma.

Douchard is immodest, entitled, and generally contemptuous of everything. The only true value he places on his station and immense wealth is its ability to protect him from the innumerable hazards of the universe, and to allow him to do whatever he pleases. His raison d'être is to enjoy himself forever, and he finds causing anger and jealousy in other people to be hilarious. He is generally dismissive of the Imperial Cult and the human race's supposed manifest destiny. He is aware that there are many races that predate humanity and some that are in their infancy relative to humanity, and surely they all have their own idealized, self-image, prophecies, and so on; so Douchard assumes that the universe doesn't play favorites and it doesn't do any good to assume that any species' particular line of bullshit is correct. He reserves a special level of antipathy for the Ruinous Powers however, as he doesn't understand the appeal of being a sore covered, axe-murdering, pawn who can't enjoy any of life's simple pleasures.

Even though he is by most definitions a traitor and a heretic, he is loyal to the Imperium in his own way. While he routinely victimizes his fellow humans; in areas under the nominal control of the Bagge dynasty, he greatly invests in security and infrastructure and his connections with various Xeno species (especially the Dark Eldar and Blood Axe Orks) tends to keep their mainstream elements from raiding his territory. Furthermore, he fulfills the duties outlined in his warrant and pays his tithes quite reliably, it's only anything outside his contract that he weasels his way out of.

Equipment
"This? Oh this is nothing; just a Sorrentino-Pattern Power Sword, I mean only two people in the galaxy have them and the other one is named Warmaster Macaroth, but it's not a thing, you know?"

- Douchard manages to namedrop while bragging about his ultra-exclusive sword, twofer!

Douchard is a capable warrior, though this is mostly due to his top-of-the line equipment (including purloined relics and outright xenotechnology), cybernetics, and combat drugs. He has hired out some of the best instructors available so he does actually know how to use every weapon in his arsenal.

Because he is so fabulously wealthy, Douchard has truly staggering military might at his disposal: fleets of ships, armored companies, well equipped troops, the works. He's not above employing xenos who are willing to barter their services, either.

Douchard is an avid collector of many things. His usual criteria for adding something to his collection is that it would either make people jealous, or get him in trouble with the authorities: Xeno antiquities, Chaos artifacts, Ecclesiastical relics, and live specimens of all sorts can be found in his secret galleries. One of his favorite objet d'art is ancient chalice of gold covered in diamonds said to have belonged to one "Small Johnathan," a deaf song-priest of a Pre-Slaanesh god of pleasure and wealth known as Krunk, carbon dating places it as being from hoary days before even the Dark Age of Technology.

His most prized possession is a space hulk which required countless thousands of lives to clear and secure. It has been renovated and outfitted to serve as the Bagge Dynasty's flagship. Though it was once known in obscure Imperial records as the Purgation of Innocence it was given the concise and tasteful appellation of Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever by Douchard.

Douchard has a number of fanatically loyal body doubles, though rather than using them as decoys for assassins, he uses them to maintain the illusion of his being all throughout the shipping lanes and his "empire," at once. Placed throughout his fleet, his vassal captains can never be entirely certain if they're dealing with the genuine article.

Notable Employees

 * Horatio Innuendo: A former captain with the Imperial Navy, Horatio's grasp of three dimensional combat is profound and his tactics are innovative, which made him one of the most despised officers in the entire navy. When he was decommissioned, he was pursued by both Inquisitor Corinth Cordoba and Douchard, but the Rogue Trader proved victorious and made Horatio the XO of his flagship, Invariably Victorious In All Circumstances Forever.
 * Leominster Ripburger: A bureaucrat who affected his own erasure from the ranks of the Adeptus Administratum and defected into the service of Douchard. He uses his intimate expertise with the Imperium's system of tithes to his employer's (and his own) ultimate benefit.
 * Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder

By
"Oh this is a great plan, you're going use your butler's shitty, undersized and obsolete fleet to lull them into a false sense of security before...what's that? Oh this IS the main fleet? Sorry, it just looks like a smaller version of the fleet I entrust to MY butler, I figured you were just punishing yours. Hey forget I said anything, I'm sure it'll be fine."

- Douchard in a joint operation to secure some Imperial interest.

"Look, that was a telepathic message sent by Astropath. I'm sure you've had...one; but I get them, all. The. Time."

- Douchard doesn't like it when people address him while he's getting messages.

About
"I am almost certain that he acquired that ridiculous flagship of his in order to compensate for a very slight inadequacy."

- Lorenzo Drasus

"I find this man amusing, which is lucky for him, otherwise he would already be dead"

-Kyros Valcoran, Headhunter of the Star Reapers

"The way he objectified her was revolting. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted her for himself. To satiate his deepest depraved desires. The filthy cur. I'll have his head on a plate if he dares to treat her like that again."

- Cordell Sorjik Vlachen

"If only my nearest and dearest would put a pretty price on his head?"

- Rosalie Drasus

"I was never aware that Rogue Traders were expanding into children's comedy."

- Ironkeeper Epistolary Erues Gauvis of the Iron Scorpions Chapter

"This trader is sly and a complete wanker. Possibly a heretic."

- Junius Fabianus "If it isn't one of my most favorite Mon-Keighs, Douchard Bagge. It's so lovely to see you again. I'm so happy you could make it to my party, I've prepared a seat for you at my own table. But before we join the party, I want to take a stroll through my private "gallery" I have a few new additions I wish for you to see."

- Silinurl Luvt "The Target is Douchard Bagge, eliminate him and I will reward you appropriately. Fail and i will make you wish you had never heard my name."

- Cecile Crowley

"His name is utterly ridiculous."

- Troe Ler "I am not sure whether to applaud you, or shove my sword up your ass. Maybe I'll do both."

- Maalik Tenin "...boring bastard. Only reason i stole that damn 20 meter gold statue of himself was to see what kind of tricks he'd pull to see me dead."

- Berheven Jirlis "Douchard Bagge of the Bagge Dynasty born to Hand and Carta Bagge. I'm watching you, the minute I find out that you overstepped one of your boundaries. I'll have your death warrant signed and ready"

- Lord Inquisitor Zekavran

"I realized that it's all bullshit on my own, but Douchard helped me understand that it doesn't mean I have to wallow in it."

- Mord Bösewicht von Totenkinder

"Dear Mister Bagge, it has come to my attention that you have come into the possession of a very large stockpile of the drug Polymorphine. My subordinates and I are willing to pay whatever price you deem necessary in order to take that Polymorphine off your hands. If you agree to this deal, then please deliver the Polymorphine stockpile to the coordinates below, and you will receive your payment in full. Your cooperation is most appreciated."

- Greyon Autaris in an anonymous message to Bagge. "Ah! Derez me faverit trada! So what kinda dakka ya got fer us dis time Dooshurd? Deffblastaz? Dakkagunz? No! No! Don't tell me! I likez ta be surprized."

- Masta Blasta Face'Eata Blacktoof, Warlord of the Blackteef Tribe "Though Inquisitor von Totenkinder insists that Lord Bagge is...'Clean'... and the Trader himself has been... obnoxiously forthcoming, I still wish to investigate the rumors of his dealings with Dark Eldar."

- Inquisitor Jorden Moris, Ordo Xenos

"I want to murder him."

- Elijah Morgan "A worthless, weak-minded specimen of the human animal... However, this snobbish vermin is the most valuable asset our Chapter has, if so much as a hair on his pea-brained head is harmed I will have you fleshed and dumped into a pool of Catchan Razorfish."

- Unknown Brutalizer to a group of Scouts assigned to guard Douchard "Anybody who gets me a hand-held missile launcher for a reasonable price is okay in my book!"

- Col. Rutger Quarrey, Crusher's Own "I don't like the way he never meets my eye."

- Col. Mattie Stoengerd, Hell's Belles "Solomon hates his guts of course but I have no problem with Bagge myself. It's the good men you have to watch out for"

- St. Athaliah Kane being cynical

Trivia

 * This Party Took a Turn for the Douche is D. Bagge's theme song. Deal with it.