Talk:Kill-Team Theron: Operation Corpse Song

Here on the 40k fanon wiki, of all places, you could be forgiven for dropping setting-specific terms like hot potatoes. Still, it makes me feel like there's a conflict in style - we have a very kinetic, emotional external narrator which gives us all these dramatic pauses, but at the same time is clinical enough to refer to everyone specifically by their job titles, considerately capitalized. Also, about the dramatic pauses; we really don't need two sets of ellipses right next to each other. It reads like William Shatner talks, and he's still facing ridicule for that to this day.

Stylistically, you need to start a new line each time another character speaks - it's awkward not to because figuring out who's talking becomes a guessing game at worst. You don't seem too interested in describing much of what's happening before us, which is consistent with your overall approach of assuming we know exactly what everything and everyone looks like. Again, on the 40k fanon wiki, we all probably have a pretty good idea of this - if you said "Deathwatch Sniper" to me, I have at least a vague idea of what that ought to look like. Every so often, you'll pause everything to give us a description, but it still feels clunky. It helps to give us at least a vague idea of the scenery and people we're dealing with, preferably in a way that doesn't distract from the action - getting us into the 'head' of one character helps, telling us how they view the people and places around them as a way of setting a mood. The narration hops wildly from character to character and we're never given a chance to settle in before we're thrust into someone else's internal monologue.

Also, a touch of spellcheck would really help - run it through Microsoft Word or some other word processor before posting it on here and it'll do wonders for the tiny mistakes that happen while typing out a big long thing.

Now, I like a lot about this. There's a lot of characters being juggled here and, in spite of the somewhat schizophrenic narration, they're juggled competently. There's potential - justified potential, at some points - for a very nuanced story. I have a soft spot for stories that parallel the human and Astartes side of things - Soul Hunter and Storm of Iron come immediately to mind, as well as A Thousand Sons. I can see those parallels being used for very good ends, and the juxtaposition of Astartes strength and inhumanity with human frailty and intuition, or some other arty shit along those lines. I don't want to dismiss this work out of hand, by any means. The way tension is built between the characters is straightforward and it works, and I'm appreciative of the portrayal of Astartes here.

It disturbs me, however, that the only female character I've thus far read is described only in regards to her sexual attractiveness, her sexual needs, and her "highly-emotional tirades" while the men are busy getting shit done. It's creepy and regressive, and I think you're better off having no female characters if you're going to write them this shallowly. Her only use to the story thus far has been to demand the cock of another character, who relents because he's afraid she'll become over-emotional if he doesn't.

Light, in the absence of eyes, illuminates nothing. (talk) 06:50, April 13, 2014 (UTC)