Talk:Storm Zealots

OK - As is normal when I critique one article, I will try to be as thorough as possible. In other words - I have a lot to say haha. The end of the Jerasian Ark section is as far as I got because I was tired and it was honestly getting a little painful to read. There were also a huge amount of grammatical errors that made it even harder to read. I honestly think there are some solid core ideas within this Chapter, but I personally thing it needs a lot of thought and re-working. For example, come up with why the Chapter would have a chimeric Gene-Seed (changing their Founding to the 21st 'Cursed' Founding would be a good start). Best of luck, IllumiNini (talk) 14:49, February 8, 2017 (UTC)
 * Though it is refreshing to see a quote that isn't from a Chapter Master, do make sure that - in the context of your article - it has meaning. There's no point having a cool-sounding quote if it means nothing.
 * With the Chapter's Gene-Seed, I find it almost impossible that the Chapter's Gebe-Seed would be chimeric in origins unless the Chapter was formed during the 21st 'Cursed' Founding. And even if they were Founded during the 21st 'Cursed' Founding using a chimeric Gene-Seed, it'd be a very good idea to explore the reasons as to wh, otherwise there's no point and you might as well pick a single Chapter to be their progenitors.
 * "The Storm Zealots are one of the 23rd Founding Space Marines that all members of it's Chapter are originally from Jeras..."
 * This reads very awkwardly. Not only that, it implies that there might be other Chapters drawing their recruits entirely from Jeras.
 * It might be a lot better to word it in such a way as to say that the Chapter recruits soley from Jeras. This way, you remove the confusion and make the point clear.
 * You could also redefine their purpose to be a little more generic. Say something along the lines of the Chapter being created to be praetorions of the Eastern Fringe in light of numerous threats. Then, when you flesh out their background and notable campaigns in later paragraphs and sections, then you can go on to talk about Chaos, the Tau, Tyranids, etc etc etc.
 * I think you've taken the idea of 'Following after the Salamnders' a bit far.
 * The trait you say they share with the Salamanders in terms of concern for citizens is not unique to the Salamanders. The Salamanders are just the most notable Chapter when looking at this particular trait.
 * I highly doubt that Astartes would interact with their human families in the ways you're probably trying to convey.
 * Astartes are almost never ever going to have enough time to serve as Clan Leaders, Community Workers, or any time-intesive role that doesn't directly serve the Chapter.
 * There are a few issues wih the Ex-Imperial Fist Astartes:
 * An Astartes - as a general rule - cannot serve in more than one Company. In other words, this Ex-Imperial First cannot serve in both the 2nd and 3rd Companies. He might serve in one Company and fight alongside the other Company because the battle scenario calls for it, but he can't serve in both Companies.
 * If he really served in the Horus Heresy, he'd be one of the oldest Space Marines alive and/or to have ever lived. This is pushing your fanon a bit hard.
 * Most Space Marine Chapters are tolerant of abhuman races to some degree or another, so unless there is something there that is supposed to make the Chapter's tolerance of them relatively special, it's not worth mentioning.
 * It is almost impossible for every Astartes within the Chapter to 'own' and properly operate a suit of Centurion Armour. Neither a Chapter not the Adeptus Mechanicus would have the resources to give any Chapter that many suits of Centurion Armour let alone be able to maintain that number of suits.
 * I'm honestly not surprised that the Chapter is one of the few  Chapters  (if not the only Chapter) to have a close connection with the 48th Jerasian Defenders Regiment given their recruiting ground, but unless you can make that relationship important, it's not worth mentioning.
 * The way you describe the recruits unusually high age at the time of their induction into the Chapter seems to imply that they are part of an Abhuman Species and thus unfit to be selected as part of the recruitment pool for a Space Marine Chapter.
 * Also, on the "Family Visits" business - Not only is that highly unlikely, but there is no such thing as "Peace Time" for a Space Marine Chapter. There is only shades of grey.
 * The fact that the Chapter posesses so few Dreadnoughts and vehicles while it focuses on other things seems oddly focused on things you find in the Tabletop Codex as opposed to the lore as a whole.
 * Also, you'd need a good reason for this otherwise it's content for the sake of content.
 * You also have a paragraph in there that seems to suggest that the Chapter needs a very good reason to head off of their Homeworld and go to war. This is rather silly. Why would a Space Marine Chapter be created to defend such a relatively insignificant world?
 * There are very few worlds that would warrent the creation of a Space Marine Chapter in order to protect and there are two things to say about this:
 * Such a world would most surely  not  be the Homeworld of your Chapter.
 * Even if a Chapter was created predominantly to protect a world, they would fight elsewhere without requiring an overwhelmingly powerful reason.
 * The idea of having 10 Commandments not only seems like a Biblical ripoff, but also seems unnecessary for a Space Marine Chapter. Why have them in the first place?
 * Some of them are completely useless with regards to the Space Marine Chapter this article is supposed to be about.
 * For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery. What sort of Space Marine is committing adultery? Think about that for a bit...
 * Also, why is the whole Jerasian Ark section even a thing? It seems ill-conceived. It also is very unecessary for a Space Marine Chapter.
 * If you were writing an article about the planet Jeras and its population, a more well-conceived version of this idea might be more appropriate in that article.