Board Thread:Critique and Advice/@comment-11526152-20161126142831/@comment-3055683-20161126220835

Reinno,

I like what you have thus far. I would merely expand upon what you already have, as you have a solid foundation in place. My advice, perhaps just flesh things out a little bit. Here are some items I noticed that you could expand or perhaps improve upon (Sorry for the long-winded response!):

1. Foundation & Early History: You mention that they are a 23rd Founding Chapter, one of the famed 'Sentinel Founding' Chapters. Perhaps expand a little bit on why they were created in the first place. During this particular Founding, it was actually a series of linked Foundings that took place during a very tumultuous time in Imperial history. No fewer than 57 Chapters had been destroyed, turned renegade or lost to the warp during this troubled period. This era was marked with multiple calamities such as the Age of Apostasy, the disastrous 21st Founding ('Cursed' Founding), attacks by the Forces of Chaos and rampaging Orks who ran almost unchecked along the Imperium's frontiers. I would perhaps expand upon how several of the Space Marine Chapters created during this time were conceived as Chapters that would pursue perpetual Crusades against the enemies of Mankind. Also, that they were created from the most stable stocks of gene-seed available to the Adeptus Mechanicus at that time.

2. On their earliest recorded engagements, you then mention their run-in with a massive Ork greenskin force. I would suggest just making this a new section under your Chapter History section and give it a new title.

3. Perhaps under the Chapter Organisation section, you could add an Order of Battle and maybe even add a chart showing the various break-down of the Chapter, including the Chapter Command, the various other departments (Armourium, Reclusium, Librarium, Apothecarion & Fleet Command), then each individual Company. Exp. Refer to Blood Vultures - Order of Battle as a reference. If you need assistance with this, don't hesitate to ask.

4. Campaigns - Of course, maybe add some notable campaigns. This gives you chance to show how your Chapter shines in battle, as well as showing off some of their valorous deeds throughout their Chapter history. My suggestion - at least write up three minimum. Just a suggestion.

5. Combat Doctrine - Definitely expand upon this. It's sort of all over the place. You say the Iron Praetorians are organised along the lines of the Black Tempalrs Crusade organisation. Does this mean, they fight like them too, since they prefer close-ranged shock and awe tactics? Maybe explain a little bit more how they prefer to soften up well-entrenched foes with an orbital strike before launching an all-out drop pod and gunship assault to perform a mass-landing in wake of the initial bombardment.

If enemy resistance is still strong after the initial assault, they then land their heavy armour and launch an armoured spearhead against the weakest link in the foe's defensive line. Since they make extensive use of the Land Raider Helios, perhaps mention that the Iron Praetorians tend to favour operating as a fast-moving Space Marine assault force with close-in armourmed bombardment capabilities, which allows them to operate in the close confines of built-up areas (known as urban assault) and provides extra artillery support. This allows for superior survivability for their vehicles compared to a regular Whirlwind missile tank and other lighter platforms. This also allows them to clear a path into a well-entrenched fortification or hive city, opening the way for an all-out assault by the rest of their forces.

6. Chapter Beliefs - I would also add a Chapter Beliefs section. This gives you the opportunity to expand upon the Chapter's beliefs and practices itself - the specifics of the cult developed over millennia and the traits exhibited by your Chapter and their possibly divergent religious practices. Here are some possible Chapter cult beliefs the Iron Praetorians could possess. This gives you the chance to show your Chapter's nature and drive behind their actions. Here are a few examples of Chapter beliefs:


 * Revere the Primarch - The Chapter holds the Primarch of its Progenitor at the centre of its belief system, venerating him above all others. Although the Chapter worships the Emperor as the ultimate creator of the Legions and themselves, it is towards the Primarch that the bulk of its devotions are turned. Mighty statues of the Primarch grace the Chapter’s halls and his words are taught and read by every Battle-Brother.


 * The Emperor Above All - The Chapter holds the Emperor as the ultimate object of its devotions. This is especially likely to be the case with Chapters of a later Founding, who maintain less in the way of contact with the Progenitor than older, more closely-tied Successors. Some Chapters, for whatever reason, are actually unaware of who their Progenitor was, and as such are likely to centre their worship on either the Emperor, who created the Primarchs, or on one of their own founding fathers.


 * Honour the Ancestors - The Chapter worships one of its own heroes above all others. Although the Emperor and the Primarch are likely to be fully acknowledged, this hero is regarded as an intercessional figure who sits at the right side of the Emperor. Most Chapters that adhere to this particular form of belief worship one of their founding fathers, often the very first Chapter Master but sometimes another figure who performed some deed that sealed his place in the Chapter's history for all time.


 * Death Cult - The Chapter's beliefs are centred not on one particular figure, but on the more abstract notion of death itself. As the so-called "Angels of Death," the Space Marines' very existence is defined by their ability to slay their foes. While Space Marines are extremely long-lived, the vast majority die in battle and this Chapter embraces the fact. Chapters that follow this belief system to an extreme, adorning themselves in all manner of deathly fetishes and even partaking of gristly trophy taking.


 * Totem Creature - Many Chapters have as their symbol some form of animal, either an actual creature or one from mythology. Many aspire to the qualities displayed by the creature, displaying related motifs in their livery and titles. Some even utilise tactics and weapons inspired by the manner in which their totem creature fights or hunts. This is certainly the case with the Salamanders Chapter, who favour flame-effect weapons in imitation of their namesake. The Battle-Brothers of the Carcharodons Chapter file their teeth to sharp points to replicate those of their own totem creature.


 * Purity of Man - While all Chapters detest mutation in all its forms, some take their values to such an extent that they believe that the Space Marines alone are the true inheritors of the Emperor, that they were made according to his perfect vision and that mere mortals (everyone else) are utterly inferior. Some carry this notion through to a rejection of artificial augmetics, preferring death to the dishonour of concealing weakness with machine implants and totally abhor the practise of imprisoning a fallen warrior in the sarcophagus of a Dreadnought.


 * Steel Over Flesh - The exact opposite of those who revere the purity of the human form, there are those Chapters that believe that the flesh is weak and that only steel can withstand both time and the rigours of eternal war. The Iron Hands Chapter is one of the better-known practitioners of this doctrine, who replace entire limbs with bionic equivalents. Such Chapters often maintain close links with the Adeptus Mechanicus, and the Omnissiah is likely to feature to some degree in their religious practices.


 * Esoteric Beliefs - A small number of Chapters have inherited quite unusual beliefs from the cultures they recruit from, and these have become intermixed with their veneration of the Emperor or of the Primarch. In the 41st Millennium, autochthonic religions are often merged into the cult of the Emperor, so the practice is not entirely without precedent although it remains uncommon amongst the Adeptus Astartes. In addition, the Adeptus Mechanicus worships a deity called the Omnissiah, which is held by most (though not all) tech-priests to be an alternative personification or manifestation of the Emperor. Many native populations display hylotheistic practices, worshipping the Emperor not as a god seated upon a golden throne, but residing in the heart of the sun that burns in their world's sky. Others worship the ocean, storm, sky, fire or any number of similar aspects that may over time come to signify the Emperor or a Primarch in the Chapter's own rituals and teachings.

7. Notable Iron Praetorians - Just expand upon this section.

8. Expand upon your Allies and Enemies sections.

Other than that, these are just some of the minor things that you could work to expand your article. I like what you have thus far, just need to really delve into your Chapter and expand upon a few things.