Grox Meat

Settle down, ye little gangers, and listen to a tale of greed, foolishness, sorcery, meat, and of course, people shooting each over. And lots of blood.

Far far away, there lies an Argri-world where the watchword is “grox.” Literally. Everyone on the planet was on the grox business, be it the owners, the slaughters, the ones who cleaned the sheds, all of them. The grox got fed better than most humans on the planet, dining on fresh grass and golden wheat. Their lives were paradise. They didn't even suffer under the chop; they had special rituals and all when the time came.

Why all the bother, you ask? For some meat? Well this was no ordinary meat. This isn't the greasy meat served in the corner pub, a little thin thing stuck between two packing sheets they call “bread”. This was prime stuff, best of the best. This was the kind of meat people died for. This was the kind of meat, if those Tech-priests wanted to rebuild their flesh bodies, that they would use. This was the kind of meat that is escorted by a chapter of Space Marines, taken all the way to Holy Terra, blessed by the Ecclesiarch, taken deep into the Imperial Palace, then burned as an offering before the Golden Throne! And the Emperor drools when he smells it.

And on this planet was a farmer. Let’s call him; Farmer McDonald. And old McDonald had a farm, the biggest on the planet! But he wanted more oh so more. He wanted to run the whole planet, the whole system, the whole sector! He would turn every world in a grox farm, and grow enough food to feed the galaxy twice over! But sell it at twice the cost! Oh how dastardly he was! But to start, he needed money. And he had a plan to get it!

See, old McDonald had amassed quite a collection of tomes (books for you and I). And in these tomes he found spells, incantations, sauce recipes, and rituals to bind souls and summon demons! But McDonald did not know how to read, so he just had to look at the pictures. And he saw some messed up stuff, and got a few ideas.

First he got his best breeding grox, the strongest and most vicious, who had sired a thousand calves across the planet. Then as part of an arcane ritual, conducted in a shed, he split the grox’s throat and called upon demons to bring it back to life! And the grox rose again, even bigger and stronger than before. And old McDonald rubbed his hands with glee.

Soooo come breeding season McDonald only uses his demon grox on his own cattle, and they give birth to more demon grox. And this goes on and on and on and on and on and on, until all of McDonald’s cattle are demon grox! Cause normal grox tend to get eaten by them. And the demon groxs taste so good McDonald gets swamped with orders! Hundreds of orders, from all across the segmentum! And McDonald becomes the watchword for good meat.

Did you know Space Marines eat grox? Well they do. And they ordered some from McDonald, had it brought to their world, and then they ate it. Except they didn't because they can recognise demon meat, especially when it comes alive and tries to eat them. And then the Inquisition found out, then the Mechanicus found out, then the Astra Militia found out, then the Tau found out, and pretty soon everyone but the Necrons had found out about the demon grox meat. And boy, were they pissed.

Back on the Agri-world, where this whole shebang started, McDonald had got enough money to buy out all his competitors. And breed their grox with his demon grox, and got more demon grox, and all was ground. Until the demon grox began to slaughter everyone that wasn't a demon grox. Apart from McDonald, cause they liked him. So when the vengeful forces arrived, they found a world run by demon grox. And they took one look at it, said “Frak that,” and Exterminatused the unholy sh---

And that is the story of greed and foolishness I spoke of at the start. Except it’s not over yet. See, in between paragraphs seven and nine, a whole bunch of demon grox meat had shipped off planet. And you know how it is in this Imperium; things get lost reaaaaly easily. Even a single craft full of meat, getting spread across a planet, can corrupt it fully. Corrupt it to the worship of MEAT! GROX MEAT, GLORIOUS GROX MEAT! FRACK VEGANS, THIS IS WHERE THE REAL STUFF IS AT YOU LETTUCE HEADS! WHY I SHOULD WABBLE wobble wig wig weeeeee blagh. It was at that point the hobo died. Autopsy on his corpse did indeed show he had eaten the corrupted meat, which we managed to track to a distribution centre in the mid-hive. Unfortunately most of the meat had already been sold, including to to the Planetary Governor’s abode. Learning from last time, I ordered my troops to quickly evacuate the Hive and bombarded it from orbit.

This is the fifth cargo of corrupted meat I have found, and other Inquisitors are still reporting their own discoveries. I once more point out we should gone planet-side to get an index of deliveries before performing Exterminatus on the Agri-World, as it would have speed the process of discovering them all much quicker, and saved thousands of innocent lives.
 * Report Author: Inquisitor Jacob Flux
 * Report Subject: Demon Meat Incident follow up #28
 * Report Location: Hive World [REDACTED]
 * Report Time: A4.931.657.M41
 * Report End
 * Praise the God-Emperor!